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Shot From the Teeth 2001, Volume II
Hey dudes, Cliff is back, oh yeah!
Are you pumped? Are you raising the roof? Let me see ya throw those
arms in the air! Where you at? Anyway, it is for real, Cliff is
all ready to go for another edition of Shot from the Teeth. I’m
hoping to make this a weekly column, but the commish told me that
I need to learn how to write first…something about using the word
‘stuff’ too much. Whatever!
Alright, so we just completed our first
gameday last weekend. I was happy to be out on the roof again watching
all the action. I did notice that Eric
Christensen came out on crutches and seemed pretty hurt.
This was definitely a cry for love. “Hold me, I’m hurt” You’re not
pulling that one by the old Cliffster! I think the commish just
told him to not play because he thinks the team will do better.
But they didn’t, they went 0-3! What a bunch of losers! I sure feel
dumb for picking Joey
Creighton to be number one in the mock fantasy draft.
Sorry guys for that advice!
Anyway, so I bet you can count on seeing
Eric out there this Saturday to play the Holy
Whites. Joey needs him, he wasn’t picked in the 3rd round
for nothing!
The big news this time around is that
the hottest hitter (and guy!!!!) is coming back to Chico to stay!
Yipee! James
Vassar has said that he will be playing this Saturday
for the Young
and the Restless and he should be around from now on!
This is SOOOOO cool! I think we have some new viewers to our site
this year, so let me let you in one some things about James.
1) He has the coolest car
2) He is SOON going to let me drive with him. It hasn’t happened
yet, but everytime I see him at a gameday, he goes, “Yo, Cliffy,
you got to free up some time to let me take for a ride around the
block!” Then I go, “Dude, the bitches are all over my sac, I’ll
throw one out on the street and give you some of my time.” Then
he goes, “Ahhh Cliff, you are so cool!” Then I go, “Hey, pimpin’
ain’t easy! Y’all dig!” So, basically it’s only a matter of time.
When it does happen, it’s sure to win Play of the Year. Finally,
3) James is the best player EVER in wiffleball! He always does really
well when he takes his shirt off (hint hint…wink wink)
That is about all you need to know
on James Vassar right now. Because when Saturday comes around, you
will then know that James rules harder and harder…and harder than
any other player out there.
So, I have been getting a lot of e-mails…and
I mean A LOT!!! (it’s cliffrancho@yahoo.com
in case a couple of you guys misspelled it!) about why I didn’t
join the WB2k1 Fantasy League. Now, it’s all about having fun, just
trying to compete fantasy wiffleball style, but the thing is that
I would have kicked so much butt that you guys would all lose big
time, and Cliff doesn’t want to be the party pooper! And, well,
it’s that reason…and the fact that I missed the deadline. Hey guys,
why don’t give us a little less time! What…four weeks to sign up,
give me a break!
Let’s move back to player news...Clint
Wattenberg has left for New York, something about school
and wrestling, I don’t know, little details that I don’t care about.
The fact is that Clint has left. But here is the big news. A big
source of mine has told me that Clint didn’t really leave! Clint
is going to surprise Scott
Carmichael and the Holy Whites, which will mean the Horsemen
will win every game! If you want to use that, please credit Cliff
Rancho. [Editors Note: This is completely false, don’t listen
to this at all, Clint is gone]
Let’s move to Cliff news now, it’s
fun…
Did everyone see the ad in The Synthesis magazine? From what I hear,
Bill Fishkin, the owner of The Synthesis, is a big fan of Shot from
the Teeth and that is how the ad got in there. I called him up about
getting a personal ad, but he told me to “F*ck off and call the
News & Review for that so sort of sh*t” I’m going to call back,
because I think that was just a prank from Bill. He and I are like
best friends! We even have the two necklaces with half a heart on
each necklace, and if you put them together, it spells out, “Best
Friends” THAT is how close we are!
Here is some more news. Backyard Brawl
2001 is happening! Trampoline Wrestling Association has gotten back
together and their first PPV is on the 11th! I can’t wait. Even
though they didn’t ask me to write for them again with their new
site, I still know they need me! And if it’s a screaming fan they
need, then I’ll do it! The tickets are pretty expensive. I didn’t
understand all of the conversation, but it went something like,
‘it’s free admission’ to ‘I mean it’s 10 bucks’ to ‘oh did I say
10, I meant 25 bucks’ then they said, “Tell you what Cliff, I’ll
cut you a deal…for 75 bucks, front row.” I guess being a high roller
like me has its advantages, eh?!
Let’s go back to wiffleball...Ian
Byrd has stated in an one on one interview with me that
will be appearing soon, that he is looking to break out of Derek
Byrd’s (older brother), shadow. Now, I guess you’re just
a stupid rookie Ian, but in case you haven’t noticed…Derek’s hella
tall! Jeez, nobody has gotten out of his shadow…except for Jordan
Lockhart...he’s hella tall also!
I got a few complaints about what
I said about Darnell
Uhland last time I wrote. But let me assure you all of
one thing, I am not the one to blame. It’s James Vassar. He told
me in a private meeting a year ago, that he probably doesn’t remember,
that he doesn’t want Darnell playing. So don’t yell at Cliff…yell
at James…or the Commish…or even Scott Carmichael, the dirty rat!
All you got to remember is that Cliff is the good guy! Thumbs up!
Whatever happened to the never-really-popular
Nickelodeon show, "All That"?
Nate
Stuempfig is scheduled to be playing this Saturday, but
I bet he doesn’t show up because he now knows Clint Wattenberg will
be there. I know I need to keep my mouth shut, but I just can’t
help it. The readers have a right to know the truth! Cliff is your
man, vote for me for student government secretary.
That is all for now, enjoy this Saturday.
I’ll be back soon once more writers decide they want to skip an
article.
Till then,
this is,
Cliff
Rancho
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