|
Cliff Rancho Goes to the Movie...Store!
Willow
What's happening yo! Cliff is back in the house and riding this
train all the way to Tir Aslean...don't know what I'm talking about?
LOL, well, keep on reading and then you will!
My
name is Cliff Rancho and I am here once again, this time to give
you the scoop on Willow. With its 15th year anniversary,
Willow is a movie that has shaped all that have
seen it. Whether you know it or not, the decisions you make as a
human being have been changed since you saw Willow. What kind of
person are you? A pesky, ugly, annoying dwarf? A horny, unlawful
swordsman? Whatever you are, this movie gave you a reason to keep
on living. When Commissioner Creighton asked me to do the movie
review for Willow, there was only one thing I could say: "Can
I do the video game review too???"
Unfortunately he had already given it to that whiny brat Terry Creighton,
but still, a movie review is something to be proud of.
So
with that, let's get on with the review
Plot:
Alright, so there is Bavmorda (Jean Marsh, known
for her work in Cleopatra and Return to
Oz), who is this evil queen that wants control over everything.
But there is this baby that has special powers that will stop all
of the queen's power. This mid-wife (Can't find who played here,
more on this later) sneaks the baby away and before being eaten
by dogs, sends the baby down the river. Willow (Warwick
Davis, known for his work in Leprechaun 5: Leprechaun
in the Hood and Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi)
and his family finds the baby. Because the rest of the dwarfs are
scared of it, Willow must go and give it to a dikini (a human) so
that they can deliver it to Tir Aslean, where the baby will be safe.
But a fairy (Maria Holvoe, known for her work in
Worth Winning and The Last Warrior)
stops Willow and says that the baby, Elora Dorin (Ruth and
Kate Greenfield, who apparently stopped acting after Willow...losers)
wants Willow to take care of her and bring her to Tir Aslean himself.
From here, Willow, along with human Madmartigan (Val Kilmer,
known for his work in Top Gun and Thunderheart)
go on an adventure where they get chased by Bavmorda's daughter,
Sorsha (Joanne Whalley, known for her work in Pink
Floyd: The Wall and The Man Who Knew Too Little)
and Bavmorda's best warrior, Kael (Pat Roach, known
for his work in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and
The Return of the Musketeers). The movie has lots
more, so if you're lucky enough that it is not checked out from
your local movie store, go and grab one!
Cliff
Reviews
Genre: (Action/Fantasy/Family/Adventure/Comedy)
Crap,
look at all of those genres, I'm suppose to review everyone? Well,
I'll just go with a couple of them, so you get the idea.
Alright,
so the comedy in this movie was outstanding! There is nothing funnier
than watching Willow run. He wobbles like a 2 year old! Then there
are the brownies...OHHH GODDD, don't get me started on them! Ok,
I will. There is Rool (Kevin Pollack, known for
his work in The Sex Monster and Hoods)
and Franjean (Rick Overton, known for his work
in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and Airplane
2: The Sequel) and they are these two little guys that
are sooooo funny. They say things like, "You idiot!" and
"Stupid Dikini"...plus they KICK BUTT!!! Anytime there
was a down moment, they would come and just brighten up the screen.
The
fantasy part was kind of weak, if I say so myself. I watched the
'Making of Willow' video (part of the DVD Extra Features) and the
two-headed monster wasn't even real! That just totally ruined that
scene for me. Because say you have a two-headed monster. Well, to
do the shoot, you can only do one take, so the acting I saw at first
was awesome! Say you are Willow and you have to stand there and
fight the two-headed monster in one take and you can't mess it up;
that is a lot more tricky than any scene in...lets say, Police
Academy 3. The 'Making of Willow' video just exposed the
movie to no end. Industrial Light & Magic (The special effects
company) must have been PISSED OFF.
The other three genres (Family, Action and Adventure) all had good
points and bad points. I just pointed out the best genre (comedy)
and worst (fantasy).
Genre
Grade: B+ (Only because Willow running is so funny!)
Acting:
Now, in this part, I can let it go to just acting, which was fine--no
problem--but I can't just do that. I also need to mention the characters'
behavior. Sorsha (the Evil Queen's daughter) falls in love with
Madmartigan (Val Kilmer) towards the end. Now this was great, but
my heart just dropped cause I kind of had an idea that they were
going to be getting it on (great acting). But this stupid bitch
Sorsha winds up not helping the good team at all! She goes with
them to the evil castle (cause they had the baby), and the evil
queen turns them all into pigs. Then after they recover from that,
she goes up to the queen's palace and...she doesn't do anything
to the evil queen and queen almost kills her. She did absolutely
nothing for the good team. If I was Madmartigan I would have said,
"Bitch, go in the kitchen and fix me some dinner cuz yo ass
is worthless out here."
Ron
Howard (the Director, known for his work in Happy
Days and Directing and Writing of Parenthood)
should have put that in.
There were two other parts that I thought needed some work. One
was the ending, when the baby is saved. Bavmorda is killed and everything
is good again. Madmartigan and Sorsha adopt the baby, Willow gets
on a little tiny pony (cause he's a dwarf and can't ride a real
horse...loser) and just rides home. There was no, 'saying goodbye
to the baby' or saying that he will be back to visit or that they
(Madmartigan and Sorsha) will go to the dwarf's village and visit.
None of that. I just thought that was a little weird and I'll explain
why after I talk about the second part.
The
second part that I thought was weird was that the Evil Queen dies
at the end...so the point of the baby is totally worthless. Why
do you want that baby now? The evil empire has now died, the baby
can't really take over anything evil anymore. It just doesn't make
any sense.
So you got Willow who fights all of these warriors, he almost dies
hundreds of times for this baby. He has a wife and two kids at home,
so you know he wants to get home and after all of the battling and
after all of the craziness that happens, he just gives this worthless
baby with these people that he battled with and leaves. What the
heck?
Acting
Grade: D+ (B+ for the acting, F for the characters)
Sex:
Oh damn,
the house is going to be a rockin' now! Wait...nevermind, the only
time in this movie that you might be thinking you are going to see
something is when this old lady becomes human again (long story,
not worth explaining) and she's naked. You got Val Kilmer in your
movie and you don't have a butt shot?! Again, and I'm sorry for
the kids reading, what the heck? Some of the okay sex parts are
when Sorsha and Madmartigan make-out for roughly one second, but
you can't really get anything going with that.
There
was a part when Lugg (Ron Tarr, known for his work
in Vroom and Eat the Rich), who
is this crazy big guy with a wife finds his wife with Madmartigan
(who is dressed up in women's clothing) and starts to put the moves
on Madmartigan. That was kind of interesting, I got to admit that
it got my toes a ticklin'! But nothing happened.
Overall...eh...
Sex
Grade: D
Moral
Grade:
Like I said at the top, if you saw this movie when you were growing
up, this movie changed you and changed you for the better. Everybody
who watches this movie pretends to be a character and act out as
their character does. You just can't help it. I was Meegosh (David
Steinberg III, known for his work in Love &
Sex and an appearance in the TV show, Are You Afraid
of the Dark), Willow's friend that goes with him on the
journey...up to a certain point, then turns back and goes home.
His bravery and mine are so similar that it's scary. True warriors
may be strong and brave, but they are also foolish. The real winners
are people like Meegosh and me, who know when to give in and quit.
Moral: Yes, Cliff Point (first time ever!)
Final
Comments:
I mentioned the mid-wife at the start and how she got the baby away
from Bavmorda and sent it down the river. The thing about that is
that know one ever mentions her! If it wasn't for her, Willow would
continue being the loser he was in the dwarf village for all eternity.
Yet there is nothing about he character in any Willow fan sites
out there. Why not? The women died for that baby, Willow didn't!
It took Sorsha a good...3 weeks to figure out that her mom was evil.
Yet we talk about her on the fan sites. That just pisses me off...and
if I wasn't like Meegosh, I would do something about it.
Final
Grade: B
Comment
on this column in the forum
Or e-mail the writer
himself
|
