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WB2K Predictions Redux
This column was written on November 28th, 1999. Additional text in italics are
my updated thoughts on the various subjects I tackled four months ago.
Well, all the crap we've
been hearing about Y2K killing off computers and leaving the US in
the state of, say, Cleveland must not be that much of a true threat
after all...seeing as how the threats are less and less frequent as
we get closer to the supposed "destruction of
mankind".
Assuming I can still turn on my computer next year, all
of our fans will still be able to follow our league as we eagerly
await our seventh season, which we will affectionately and
originally call...Wiffle Ball 2000.
It's tough to conjure up questions for the upcoming
season because last year answered so many. Among the questions that
were answered:
--Is Scott the best player in the world? (yes) yes
--Would Joey finally win something? (yes) of course
--Could Nate harness his steroid-induced rage? (ehh...sort of) to
an extent
--Could Derek hit the ball with any sort of authority? (yes..twice!)
and may do it again!!
--Does MTV absolutely suck? (no...I mean yes) YES
Even
with all the questions that were answered, many new ones
arose...thanks to many happenings such as the All-Star Weekend,
playoffs, and other surprises and disappointments. Some of these
questions I am going to answer right now, albeit a tad more in-depth
than those above. Stick with me, maybe your question will be
answered...or maybe you'll simply learn something.
I'll be happy if you simply read this.
IS
SCOTT GOING TO SUCK DURING THE 2000 SEASON LIKE HE DID IN THE '99
PLAYOFFS?
No. If anything, Scott will probably be even more dangerous. Why?
Because he's a rather prideful fellow. Scott was somewhat
embarrassed during the playoffs and the only thing this probably did
was give him motivation to kill everyone next year. Another problem
is, no one besides the two opponents he was facing (myself and Matt
Holmberg) saw Scott stink up the joint in Games 2 and 3. Therefore,
no one learned anything by watching Matt and Joey handle him. Oh
well. If Scott faces only Joey and Matt next year, maybe he'll
struggle, but otherwise, expect the same numbers, maybe even better,
from Scott next year.
Hmm...well, Scott sure stunk up the joint in Winterball '99 as well, but
I'm gonna have to stick with this. Just because he had a couple bad games
doesn't mean anything. I'm more worried about him making it to a decent
amount of games. He hasn't been getting Sunday off recently all that
often.
WILL
JOEY HOLT RETURN NEXT YEAR?
Umm...let me put it this way...if Joey Holt gets only ONE at bat
next year, I will automatically declare him the Most Improved Player
of the Year. In other words...no.
Same same. Joey has more important things on his mind
now...like...umm...I'll get back to you on that one.
IS
GREG CREIGHTON GOING TO RETIRE?
I wish I knew myself. The old guy said at the beginning of the
'99 season that it would be his last, then spent the entire season
declaring he never said that and wished the rumors would be put to
rest. The guys still has ability, but he'll be 50 years old next
year...meaning it will probably take him another 4.7 seconds to get
to first and take off an inning/day before his arm is tired.
After his playoff performance, probably not. If he struggled in the
playoffs, maybe. He likes this too much, and enjoys the notoriety he
obviously gets from being in such a prestigious league. I guess, to answer
the question, yes he will retire...just not this year.
IS
CLINT'S BACK GOING TO GET ANY BIGGER?
Probably. Clint is on a rigorous training regimen right now
which includes the obvious (steroids, yelling, digesting raw eggs,
and red piss), the not-so-obvious (actual weight lifting), and goes
all the way into the usually impossible (girlfriend). The guy is
ripped, focused, and coming off his greatest wiffle ball season, one
that saw him win Most Improved Player of the Year. He weighs a mere
170 yet puts up 350 on the bench. He squats damn near 450. Yes, his back
will be wider, harder, more bumpy, and more grotesque. Whether that
will equate into more production on the field or simply unnecessary
flexing remains to be seen. It worked last year. Check back to the
page long enough and you'll see some nice shots of Clint in the
middle of an afore-mentioned workout. It's quite a sight to behold,
even if you are completely and unquestionably heterosexual.
Bad news here. Clint suffered three torn ligaments in his left (but maybe
right) knee while in the middle of a wrestling match at Cornell University.
His wrestling season is over for this year, and his wiffleball season is in
question. He MAY be able to play, but we're not getting our hopes up (I got
my fingers crossed though). As for his back, even though his knee is shot
right now, that doesn't mean Clint can't still do some good ol' bench press.
He's still hitting the weights like a machine, and I guarantee that if the
league sees Clint, he'll still have his wings.
WILL
JEFF MORRISON BECOME A LEGITIMATE POWER THREAT?
Hmm...I'm going to have to go with yes. Jeff played the best
wiffle ball of his life during the '99 playoffs, hitting a robust
.340 with 3 homeruns and a .532 slugging percentage. He also did all
of this with a TAPED bat, finally leading him to the forgone
conclusion that tape helps increase homerun power. I think he will
continue using the taped bats and will find more offensive success.
He won't be a new Scott Carmichael, but he also won't be an old Juan
Lugo. Somewhere in the middle.
I still agree with myself here. I think he also has a good chance to be in
the Most Improved running. All this because of a little electrical (or duct)
tape on a bat.
WHAT'S
THE ROOKIE CROP LOOKING LIKE?
Okay fine, you dragged it out of me...I will tell you all that
I, the acting commissioner of this league knows. It ain't much...but
it's something. First off, the most concrete rookie news I have is
that of Mike Walsh, a talented kid who has definitely proven himself
to be more than worthy in the "minors" (Water
Baseball). Last year, Mike was the triple crown winner or the
WBL and expressed interest in playing for Wiffle Ball during the
coming 2000 season. He played in Wiffle Fest '98, and played well
(.333 avg, 0.00 ERA), so he has SOME experience. Some other rumors
I've heard are that a pimply-faced kid named Mickey Kendall wants to
play. Well, we've had many players "want" to play, but
showing up is another matter and we don't especially count on the
Mickster being a regular. That and most players seem to give me the
idea that if Mickey WERE to show up...he wouldn't be...oh, what's
that word? ANY GOOD. So take that for what it's worth. The last
rumor I've heard so far is that another kid named Seth Yoder wants
to give Wiffle Ball 2000 the old go-around. He passed the first
test, when veteran and AB record-holder Mark Montgomery asked him
the time-honored question: "Are you willing to show up to EVERY
game day, no matter what meaningless family activity it may conflict
with?" Seth, to his credit, answered "yes". He plays
real baseball, is a pitcher (good news for a weak pitching league),
and claims to have good enough stuff to shut down Carmichael...which
means he's a complete moron. We'll see though. Like Mickey, Seth
needs to show up before we take him seriously. Also, Seth runs XC,
which means he's got my respect in at least one facet of life.
Mike Walsh: In.
Seth Yoder: In
Mickey Kendall: In (I think)
Another seemingly concrete name is Mike Plummer, a distance runner who showed
for Winterball. Smart kid with an obvious athletic ability that could do some
damage. Another kid who I really don't know that well (All I know is his
name's Jeff) may play. He'll only be here during the summer, but so are a lot
of other guys. Todd Creighton, Greg's nephew and Joey and Terry's cousin
might want to play, but that's a big question mark. Also, Terry's roommate
Tim Voth might want to play, but again, who knows? You really don't need
permission to play, you just need to promise to show up a few times.
WHAT DOES JAMES VASSAR BENCH?
Who the fuck cares?
I still don't give a shit.
WHO'S
GOING TO GET THE "RED SLIP"?
Well, no one is going to get a "red slip", but many
are not going to get a "phone call". I hate to name names,
but if you go to the stats
page and see a player with less than 50 at bats during season 6,
he most likely will not be seen come season 7. Well, all except for
Jeff Kragel who, thanks to Mark Montgomery's and Donnie Jeffcoat's
glowing article about the threat of Y2K (Y2Kragel...get it?), will
be given another chance. If it weren't for those two jackasses
pretty much climbing up Jeff's ass, Jeff would not be seen next
year.
Same answer, although I keep getting stories mixed up about Jeff Boian
wanting another chance. Some say he does, some say he told me to kiss his
ass. I'm betting on the latter.
WHO IS GOING TO BE
NEXT YEAR'S MOST IMPROVED PLAYER?
Casey Sylvester. Casey's career high batting average is .269.
His season high homerun total is 11. He was 9-21 last year, leaving
him like 5 games out of the playoffs. I predict numbers that will
look like this next year: .350+ average, 17+ homeruns (in same
amount of AB's), 8-10 2B's, 35+ RBI's, 2.30 (at most) ERA, and most
importantly to him, a winning record, giving him a high-seeded
playoff spot. Oh, and he'll make the All-Star Game. Trust me...the
kid can play...he has EVERY tool needed. He has power (more than
anybody will give him credit for), speed (running and pitching), a
will to win (more than anybody), and best of all, he's getting
cocky. Problem is, he lacks discipline. Keep his eyes OPEN while
swinging the bat, drop the temper a few notches, stick to a style of
pitching throughout an entire season, rather than go from overhand
to 75% to sidearm to complete submarine all in the frame of one
inning and Casey is by a long shot next year's Most Improved. I'll
say it right here. Give Casey a couple years, and he'll be an MVP.
Give him a couple years, and he'll be a Cy Young. For the time
being, Casey will simply have to join the ranks of Nate Stuempfig
('98) and Clint Wattenberg ('99) in the elite club that went from a
nobody to a threat in the span of one year. Donnie Jeffcoat may go
with Jeff Kragel, but the problem is, Donnie's an idiot. And he's
gay...I think.
In '96, I never would have guessed that Casey was going to have the season
he's going to have this year. He's going to run away with this award...I
still think that. Winterball '99 only solidified his soon-to-be improvement
in my mind. One facet of his game that I failed to remember is his defense.
Not only is he going to do well from the plate and the mound, but he's going to
be making some highlight videos this year on his defense alone. The kid has
heart and when I'm on the mound, he's probably the guy I want in the field
the most. And I'm only saying this because he puts forth more effort than any
other player. I just hope I'm not jinxing him.
WHAT
CAN THE FANS EXPECT FROM THE 2000 SEASON?
The same crap you could expect from the '99 season: A healthy
amount of updates on the page, a year 2001 Men of WB 2000 calendar,
the WB soundtrack, volume 2, pictures of young men in the pits of
competition, and of course, a guestbook full of crude comments from
our detractors! Expect all the same things, but with a slightly
better quality, except for the guestbook comments, which will most
likely remain juvenile, show signs of illiteracy, and on the whole
make little to no sense. We can't improve EVERYTHING, folks.
Umm...you've seen the webpage, so you can be the judge of whether what I
said was true about that. Fans can still expect the year 2001 calendar. I'm
unsure on the WB Soundtrack Volume 2, but it's still a possibility. You can
expect some pretty decent short videos (well, those of you who know us), and
of course, plenty of pictures of us earning our tans. Also keep your eye on
our guestbook, because who knows, maybe someone will actually compliment
us(!) I'm sure all the other comments will be in there as well, for those who
care.
WHEN IS THIS
DUMB ARTICLE GOING TO END?
Now...jerk.
NOW, jerk.
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