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Book Review - Long Stretch At First Base
Pages:
148
Approximate Reading Time: 33 minutes
I
never "got" to read this book as a child either, so I wasn't
able to form any childish opinions on it before I picked it up as a 23-year-old.
Plot:
Bobby
Jamison is all upset with his older brother Kirby, who plays on the same
Little League team as he does. He's upset because despite being the best-fielding
first basemen in the league, Kirby can't hit for shit. When Bobby finds
out that some vague guys are going to pick players for an All-Star team
that would travel to Cooperstown, he becomes worried that Tony Mandos,
the team's other first-basemen (who can hit) will be
chosen over his brother. So Bobby gets all weird on us, taking this mission
to put Kirby on the All-Star team way too seriously when it's obvious
Kirby belongs as far away from an All-Star team as possible. Since I know
none of you are going to run out and read this book, I'll just ruin the
surprise and tell you that Tony ends up making it over Kirby and for some
reason, Bobby makes it too. Kirby, the brother without a complex, takes
it all in stride.
Characters:
Move
over Nick Vassey (The Year Mom Won the Pennant),
we have a new most pathetic character! Bobby Jamison, will you please
come forward to accept this award? Great. The board of voters here noticed
that you were truly pathetic in not only your obsession with getting your
brother on a team he didn't deserve to be on, but you lack of skill as
a ballplayer yourself.
Kirby,
you weren't a picture of coolness either, as your YOUNGER SISTER was caught
giving you pointers on how to hit. For a ballplayer, especially one who
(allegedly) was thought of by some as an All-Star, this is taboo. We here
at the board have decided you should quit playing baseball and just go
fulltime on that saxophone of yours. Quit the dream, kid.
Tony
Mandos, you seemed to be an okay kid, but we are horribly disappointed
by your decision to step BETWEEN Bobby Jamison and a rabid dog late in
the story. Just let the damn dog go to town on Bobby's fleshy legs. The
readers wished you had made a better decision there, but what's done is
done. For now, simply prove Bobby wrong with stellar play at this All-Star
thing. After you prove him wrong, punch him in the face, for all of us.
And
what's a Matt Christopher book without the "funny name kids"?
Kirby, stay up here, Cappie Brennan, where are you? Ah, please come up
here. Where do you think you're going, Dick Carachi? Ladies and gentlemen,
your "funny name kids"!
Problems:
Alright, my favorite part.
--First
off, what is the deal with Bobby Jamison's arm? He can't make accurate
throws to any first basemen. When big brother Kirby is on first, he bails
Bobby out of several errors with some nifty fielding. However, Tony is
not as tall or long as Kirby, and can't reach Bobby's ridiculous throws.
I got an idea, Coach Barrows:
Play
Bobby somewhere other than shortstop!
Why
in the blue hell is he playing there? He would have problems making throws
from second, let alone short. I got another idea, free of charge:
Bench
his ass!
You
know he can't throw from short, so he obviously can't throw from third.
He probably can't even throw from second, and who knows what his arm's
like from the outfield. I say, bench him and give him gopher-boy jobs
like running to the vendor and getting you more chaw. But don't have him
throw it to you.
--This
leads to my second problem...the fact that Bobby was chosen to play on
this vague All-Star team. Above, I recommended benching the kid, the polar
opposite of the decision made in the book. Am I that out of touch?
--Coach
Barrows, please tell me, why can't you put Tony Mandos at another position?
From the way he's described, he sounds like a pretty well-rounded player
who simply can't handle Bobby's atrocious throws from short. Stick him
in the outfield. Under your current rules, Tony plays half the game, followed
by half the game going to Kirby. The way Bobby talks about them, they're
both All-Star material, so why are they splitting time? Obviously Kirby
can't do anything but play first, so stick him there full time and bat
him 9th. Stick Tony anywhere in the outfield and bat him 3rd or 4th. Hell,
you got Bobby at short, you obviously don't have a problem with out-of-position
players.
--There's
this one scene early in the book where Bobby and Kirby are spending the
night in a tent in their backyard to try and find out why their mom's
beans keep being eaten (or something like that). During the night, they
hear rustling (sadly, it ends up just being a deer), which leads to some
very awkward behavior from young Bobby. He seems to be all over Kirby
with fright, clinging to Kirb's PJs like a baby clings to his mother's
nipple. Then, later in the night, Bobby wakes up to the sound of thunder
and gets all baby on us again. He wakes up Kirby, who then INVITES
BOBBY INSIDE HIS SLEEPING BAG. Luckily (and surprisingly) Bobby
declines this offer, noting that he "can sleep better separate."
I've never been more frightened then I was during pages 28-34.
--There's
another scene late in the book where Tony's playing first and Bobby's
flubbing, literally, every throw to first. It's like that scene in "Swingers"
when that guy leaves like seven consecutive messages on that woman's machine.
You just want it to end. Instead of taking Bobby out and ordering him
to never play baseball again, Coach Barrows takes Tony out and puts Kirby
in. My dedication to you loyal readers was all that kept me from burning
the book right there.
Summation:
Very little redeeming about this effort
from Matt Christopher, what with my new Most Pathetic Character (running
away), quite possibly the most ignorant coach I've come across, and some
unwelcome incestual vibes. This is one of Matt's earlier books, which
may explain some things, but I'm sorry. And I don't usually agree with
complaining parents either, but if I'm Tony Mandos' father, I'm raising
hell.
Score:
2 out of 10
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