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Book Review - The Return of the Homerun Kid
Pages:
168
Approximate Reading Time: 53 minutes
As if you
need any more evidence that sometimes sequels are just not necessary...
Plot:
Sylvester Coddmeyer III is back on the diamond the year after his amazing
season where he went something like 25-27 with 24 homeruns. However, his
stalke--err, I mean friend Mr. Baruth is gone, and Sylvester is back to
being, well...garbage.
However the
theatre of the absurd continues as Sylvester meets another strange man
named Cheeko. No explanation is given as to why this guy is helping Sylvester
other than he heard from Mr. Baruth that this kid was "okay"
or something. Only this guy isn't as good a sport as Mr. Baruth, and basically
teaches Sylvester how to be an asshole and cheat in order to win. Sylvester,
being the typical Christopher character, is unable to decide what's right
and wrong.
Of course,
Sylvester realizes the error of his ways by the end while in a ludicrous
final scene in which Mr. Baruth and Cheeko are having an argument (during
one of Sly's games). It's completely without the charm of the first installment,
since this time there's no insane homerun streak or anything similar.
And Sylvester's cheating isn't really all that bad. There is a funny scene
during one of his homerun trots in which he apparently decks the shortstop.
For some reason, no one brings it up after the game as they all crowd
around Sylvester and applaud criminal violence on the baseball field.
Characters:
Obviously, Sylvester's back as the main dude. But this time he seems even
more pathetic since it's obvious he can't succeed without strange spirits
cheating for him.
Snooky Malone
returns, and he's just as worthless as last time. This time around, Christopher
enters a young FEMALE friend of Sylvester's, and for the first time I've
ever read in a book, the female friend isn't some dumb teammate. She's
apparently a "homerun groupie" and is all up on Sylvester. I
know I know...I thought he was getting it Plummer-style from Baruth and
Cheeko, too. I'm shocked.
The author
tried to give the parents some more lines, and hinted that Sly's propensity
to imagine 75 year-old baseball players helping him was because his own
dad was somewhat neglectful (in a VERY benign way, BTW). However, they
still suck as characters and by the time of the end of the book, you realize
that there was really no point in having them there.
I don't think
I'll name the plethora of funny name kids in favor of just naming one:
Cheeko. Why is this guy called Cheeko? If he's supposed to be Eddie Cicotte
(as you'll read in a sec), why not just call him Eddie? Or, if his name
is supposed to be slightly different than his real name, how about "Edie."
He can walk around, continually introducing himself. "Hi, I'm
Edie, with only one D."
Problems:
Whoa boy...
--The most
retarded thing in this book is the scene where Sylvester figures out the
deal with Mr. Baruth and Cheeko. Well, HE doesn't figure much of anything
out, but the reader gets the deal explained around page 90. Basically,
Sylvester figures out by looking at some friend's baseball cards that
Mr. Baruth looks EXACTLY like Babe Ruth. That alone changed a lot for
me. I spent all my childhood thinking that his name was pronounced "buh-ruth."
It actuality, it's "bay-ruth."
Then it gets
even more sad as Sylvester finds another card of Eddie Cicotte, who looks
EXACTLY like Cheeko. Of course, this explains why Cheeko seems so darn
evil...Eddie Cicotte was one of the eight Black Sox who were banned from
baseball for throwing the 1919 World Series (remember "Field of Dreams"
people?). See, he's teaching Sylvester how to cheat because HE'S a cheat!!
What it boils down to is this: A couple dead old-time players are back,
each teaching Sylvester how to play ball their way. We're lead to believe
that Babe Ruth teaches Sylvester how to believe in himself and play nice,
but all I got was he taught Sylvester how to go yard. Cheeko teaches Sylvester
how to cheat, like leaning in to beanballs and punching shortstops during
homerun trots. To me though, it just seemed like he taught Sylvester how
to hit homeruns. Retarded.
--But don't
get the wrong idea, even though Mr. Christopher wants us to hate Cheeko,
he accidentally had him teach Sylvester some good things. Cheeko, as well
as teaching Sylvester how to throw random haymakers at random middle infielders,
teaches him how to not play afraid and to "be tough" when at
the plate. Oooh, how evil. He's teaching Sylvester how to not be a pussy.
No wonder he was banned from baseball. Personally, I think more kids should
learn some of Cheeko's tips.
--Now, after
the whole revelation part for Sylvester, little annoying memories of the
first book pop up. For example, this means that Sylvester spent the whole
first book and over half the second book HAVING NO IDEA WHAT BABE RUTH
LOOKED LIKE. For a 13-year-old in love with baseball, this is unfathomable.
He didn't realize what Babe Ruth looked like until he saw him on a baseball
card.
--And that's
another thing. One, where in the world did Sylvester's friend get a baseball
card of Babe Ruth and Eddie Cicotte? Secondly, he stupidly lets Sylvester
borrow the Cicotte card while Sylvester plans to confront Cheeko. Sylvester
promises to take care of the card because "it was sort of rare."
How does he take care of it? When he finally runs into Cheeko, he is said
to TAKE THE BASEBALL CARD OUT OF HIS POCKET! He was walking around with
a 75-year-old baseball card IN HIS POCKET! Even if it was in a protective
sleeve, that card's value was dropping faster than Matt Christopher's
legacy.
--Which leads
to one of my favorite lines of the book. Sylvester's brought out the card
and is asking Cheeko why he looks so much like Eddie Cicotte (because
he IS Cicotte, you dolt). Cicotte is getting defensive, understandably.
Their inspiring discourse ends like this:
"I'm
a little short on answers, right now," Cheeko said abruptly. "Tell
you what, I'll see you at the game next week. We'll talk afterward."
Before Sylvester could get another word out, Cheeko had turned, raced
across the street, and was out of sight in an instant.
WHAT THE
HELL?! Let's give Sylvester the benefit of the doubt and assume he was
speechless for a full...three seconds. That means that Cheeko had turned,
raced across the street, and was out of sight in less than THREE SECONDS!
Now let's simplify it. Just PICTURE Cheeko finishing his sentence, turning
around and sprinting away. Like in The Simpsons. It reminds me of that
Simpson's episode where the Simpsons go to Itchy and Scratchy Land, and
that random PR guy for I&S keeps trying to persuade Marge that I&S
is not a bad influence on kids.
Park
Spokesman: Here at Itchy and Scratchy Land, we're just as concerned
abut violence as you are. That's why we're always careful to show the
consequences of deadly mayhem so that we may educate as well as horrify.
Marge:
When do you show the consequences? On TV, that mouse pulled out that cat's
lungs and played them like a bagpipe. But in the next scene, he was breathing
comfortably.
Park
Spokesman: Just like in real life. (sprints away)
--This book
was published some 20 years after the first one, but you still get the
dated dialogue by Mr. Christopher, who apparently thinks all kids still
live in 1953. And Christopher's love for early baseball rears its ugly
head. As Sylvester and his friend are rummaging through baseball cards:
"Roger
Maris!" Sylvester half-shouted as they came across that familiar
face. "I know all about him, He busted Babe Ruth's homerun record
by one run!" (Ed. note: one run??)
"Not
officially."
"Well...right.
He did play in more games in one season than the Babe."
Ridiculous.
Sylvester may not know what Babe Ruth looked like, but I bet Matt Christopher
knows what Babe Ruth's penis looks like.
--ALSO, there's
this completely stupid theme running throughout the book that Sylvester
only hits homeruns when there are men on base. While there may be some
metaphorical significance to it that I can accept (but not appreciate),
I think it's ridiculous that opposing 13 year-old players are picking
up on it.
Here's an
exchange between (13 year-olds, remember) Duke and alleged roid-monster
Steve. Both play for the Macon Falcons. They are speaking to each other,
but loud enough for Sly to hear:
"That's
the dude everybody's talking about," Duke said loudly. "The
kid who hit all those homers last year and finally got a few measly hits
this year."
"Yeah,
but ya'see, Syl-vest-er only hits 'em this year with men on base,"
Steve drawled. "Makes you wonder, doesn't it?"
Yeah it does
make me wonder, Steve. It makes me wonder how a 13 year-old is supposed
to be noticing stupid things like this. We continue:
Duke
snorted. "Well, I'll tell you one thing, when we play those Redbirds
on Tuesday, he's ain't even going to see that ball, because I'm pitching.
So forget about homeruns, Syl-vest-er." He drawled out the name just
as his pal had.
"You
know who's going to hit that ball, don't you?" Steve flexed his biceps.
He was sure everyone knew he was leading the league with an average close
to .425.
WHO TALKS
LIKE THIS?!??! Are there 13 year-olds out there who flex biceps in order
to ram home a point?
Summation:
Quite possibly the most absurd book I've ever read. Absurd in both
the plot (yes, the first one was as well) AND the execution (unlike the
first one). Mr. Christopher whipped it out and took a long piss on what
would have been his legacy, "The Kid Who Only Hit Homers." I
feel ashamed for even giving this book publicity. At least the next book
review won't be as bad...right?
Score:
0 out of 10
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