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PC Game Review - Willow
Look
at my picture! It says "Book Reviews"!!! What's this though?
A video game review? Am I really as big a loser as those other gamers
on our site? Morrison, Walsh, Uhland? Well, our web guys asked me to review
the PC version of Willow for this anniversary of sorts, and being the
stand up guy I am, I obliged. I thought that it could be cool, even. I
could install the game, use my phat DSL, and get some online action in!
I even thought of a screen name I could use:
"GermanDrools"
See,
it's kind of an inside joke between me and this guy I know. You wouldn't
understand.
But
anyway, I was all jacked and ready to spend my Friday night doing some
online gaming! I had my insults all ready for when I totally destroyed
some nerd bomber from Ohio and even bought a full 6-pack of Code Red to
keep me awake and my fingers alert.
Sadly,
I would need none of that. What our web guys failed (forgot?) to tell
me was that this "game" was made in 1988, a good 3-4 years from
online gaming became big for 278 lb, 29 year-old computer programmers.
Ergo, there would be no online gaming. No cyberchatting, followed by exchange
of e-mails and home phone numbers. None of it. In its place, a good 17
minutes of frustration while I struggled through quite possibly the most
non-sensical game ever created...by myself.
Willow,
the (PC) video game:
The game starts out with what I believe to be a cloudy, evening sky. Then
the "Willow" title graphic comes in and you immedaitely realize
that the graphics on this game are going to, as Bart Simpson would say,
both suck and blow at the same time. Then some sort of scroll comes up
and gives a reader's digest version of the story of Willow. As exciting
as it sounds. You can use your mouse to scroll down the scroll, or just
use your arrow keys.
Some
words are in bold. It took me a few minutes to figure out the deal, but
I did. On a semi-related note, I'm about six days off of graduating from
the prestigous Cal State, Chico system. You can click on the bold words,
and they'll take you to a various "mission." The memory is rather
fuzzy, but I think the first bold word was "Willow." If you
click on that word, you do the whole game at once. If you choose not to
click on "Willow," you can keep scrolling down and another bold
word will show up. All the bold words from here on out take you to an
individual goal rather than make you play them all at once, in order.
The
first mission was something along the lines of being some chick who needs
to take the baby chick out of the castle (or something...I was on the
can at the time). I can't tell you too much about this mission, because
I couldn't do it. Something was wrong with the file I downloaded and there
were glitches that ruined the screen. I'm sure it was a wonderful mission
though.
The
second mission involves you playing Willow and trying to run through a
forest to the other side without being killed by sword-wielding...guys
or being eaten by ravenous dogs (at least that's what I think they were).
You are given three "magic acorns" that kill your enemies.
Honestly,
this level was near-impossible for me at first. After what seemed like
an hour (actual time: 12 minutes), I had gotten nowhere. From one end
of the forest to the other, I'd run into like 8 enemies. Note the "three
magic acorns" above.
At
this point I turned the game off and decided to sleep on it. I was hoping
to have a dream that would reveal the mission's answer to me, but to no
avail. Instead, I dreampt of a Thanksgiving I had back in '93. Not good
times.
A
couple days later, I tackled the mission again. Luckily, after you die,
you go back to the scroll, so after a couple quick taps of the "enter"
key, you can start over. Finally I realized that I couldn' expect to kill
them with my acorns...I had to out-run them in the forest, or direct their
path into a hazard. See, your enemies run in a straight line towards you
or after you, so you can direct WHERE they run. The time I finally got
to the end of the forest (attempt #86 for those keeping track), I didn't
use one acorn. I then slapped myself for being such a dense nimrod.
The
next mission was to go down the ice caves in some sort of maze. To be
honest, I never made it out. It's basically a "first-person"
as you go down. After a couple seconds, you see two holes on the sides
of you, or detours. If you hold the left or right key, you'll take a detour
down the left or right hole. It's a maze, so I'm assuming there's some
combination of left/rights you have to make, but I was too stupid to figure
it out.
The
thing was, there was no danger in the ice caves. You would never die,
or get hurt...you just kept sliding, going straight, right, or left for
eternity. You can picture me sitting in my chair, leaning on my right
arm with my left hand on the keyboard. Now picture left index finger on
the right arrow key, and my left middle finger on the left arrow key.
Now picture me looking really really bored. Now picture me looking really
really angry. Now picture me with a very annoyed face as I remember I
have to write a review about this game. Now picture me naked. Hahahahahaha,
just kidding!
The
next mission sees you as Val Kilmer's character during the epic battle
scene where you fight the skull-face guy. You unsucessfully dodge all
kinds of arrows, flaming things, and hatchets in a very slow-moving 2D
scroller style until you meet the skull-face guy. By now, you're life
energy is at roughly 20% capacity, so a couple deft strikes from Skull-face's
sword and you're down for the count. Very annoying, and the complete lack
of response on the keys is almost humorous.
The
last mission is a very anti-climactic "Spell Casting" session
where you try to change a rat into a bird, then into a frog, and then
into an elephant (or something, I was getting laid at the time). You do
this by--get this--guessing the correct spell to use. To change an animal
into another animal, you need to guess correctly three times. Wanna beat
the mission? Guess correctly nine times in a row. And may GOD BLESS YOU
if you can do that. The most I correctly guessed in a row was two, so
I had this rat-bird thing going on when I guessed wrong and "died."
Granted, it was only my third try at the mission. It was also my last.
Graphics:
Horrible. I don't know what 1988's standards were, and I don't care. I
think the worst was during the Val Kilmer mission, where you're "walking"
and things are being thrown at you. The "walking" and "things
being thrown at you" descriptions are very charitable giving what
was happening on my screen.
Sound:
Roughly on par with all 1988 computer games, meaning it too was horrible.
The beginning cloud/night/title graphic thing had what I figure is supposed
to be the Willow "theme" playing, and that's the highlight.
Game
Challenge:
I only passed one level, and that one level took nearly 100 tries. This
game was impossible, but not all levels were "hard" in the classic
sense. The Spell Casting level was just hard in it being impossible to
guess correctly nine times in a row. The Ice Caves level was hard only
because it was impossible to figure out the maze. The forest level and
the Val Kilmer level were hard in the normal sense.
Enjoyment:
Or lack thereof. I get excited when I think of the progress computer games
have made since 1988. Will there be that kind of discrepency between now
and 2018? Will I , in 2018, be able to write a review as harsh as this
one about...Madden 2004?
Overall:
I seriously wonder, since I was only 8 when this game was made, how was
it distributed? Was it sold? If so, for how much money? And who bought
it? These are things I need to know. Still, ya'll should d/l
this game just to see where games were back then.
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