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This Ain't No Stinkin' Courtroom Drama!
(This
is a mock courtroom drama. Read the column in its entirety. Or simply
glance at a few words; really, we don't care. Then, at the end of the
page, act as a member of the jury and make your selection. Remember, this
is a *mock* drama...so if we seem to be getting a little silly and you're
an "important" official in our judicial system, don't be pissed.
Or, if you insist on being pissed, remember: you were warned.)
We
start with your garden variety full shot of a courtroom. All the big names
are there; the judge guy, the court reporter, the bailiff, the clerk,
the prosecuting attourney, the defense attourney, a handful of scantily-clad
women align the front of the crowd. The rest of the crowd is a hodge-podge
of diversity, featuring mostly stupid frat guys but also including older
men, little kids, one or two elderly women, and a few animals, mostly
dogs. The bailiff walks to the front of the bench to a chorus of boos.
Bailiff:
Yeah yeah, shadup. We are all gathered here today to witness the inevitable
beginning to what could be the beginning of the end.
Random
Frat Guy: Get on with it!
Bailiff:
Okay fine...this is Criminal Case #000001, Dave Cain vs. Scott Carmichael
in a final debate to find out just who is the most powerful hitter in
the league. All rise for the honorable Judge Commish.
Judge
Commish walks out quietly to another chorus of boos. Everyone has refused
to stand.
Judge:
Thank you for coming! You just heard what this trial is about, we will
hopefully walk away from this trial with a better understanding of these
two hitters. Now remember, both hitters are great, but only one is greater.
In order to determine just who is, we will hear testimony from present
and past wiffleballers. When all the smoke is cleared, the readers will
act as the jury and cast their vote.
Jury Member #1: Then why are we here?
Judge:
Good question. Please leave.
The
jury begrudginly gets up to leave.
Judge:
Okay, now that those clowns are gone, we can hear the opening statements.
I will ask now though why we are holding a criminal case. Shouldn't this
be a civil case?
Prosecuter:
Your honor, Scott Carmichael has committed a crime. Therefore, this is
a criminal case.
Judge:
Ahh, that makes sense.
Prosecutor:
Your honor, my name is Daniel Carter and I represent Mr. Dave Cain. I
am a typical stereotype of a real lawyer and I have no relation to this
league outside of this poorly written column.
Judge:
That was an...interesting opening statement. Defense, will you--
Prosecutor:
I wasn't done! Now, members of the jury, what we have here is a clear
case of one selfish player guilty of holding onto the spotlight for far
too long. Time is taking its toll, and it's time for a new man to step
to the plate. Dave Cain asked politely last year with his bat if Scott
would rightfully give him what was rightfully his. That being the title
of "Most Powerful Hitter in the League." Scott refused, even
though it's obvious to even the most clear-headed human being that Scott
is over the hill and on the downside of his career. Dave is the future
of this league, he DESERVES the recognition that Scott has gotten over
the years. Thank you.
Judge:
Defense, same deal.
Defense:
Members of the jury, ladies in the front row, my name is Samuel Cobb,
and I represent will all my heart Mr. Scott Carmichael, the best wiffleball
player to ever put on a pair of shoes and grab a yellow bat. Scott is
being erroneously accused of holding onto his spotlight for too long when
it's readily apparent that Scott has defeated any threat to his throne.
Mr. Dave Cain, while admittedly a decent hitter, is simply this: Yet another
unworthy threat to Scott's throne who will be proven to be, as all others
were, not at Scott's very high level. Scott has been on top for years
because his numbers keep him from going anywhere else. As you can see,
I am so sure of my client's innocence that I decided to not wear pants
at all to this trial.
Judge:
Yes, we've all noticed by now. Now Mr. Carter, are you ready to call your
first witness.
Prosecutor:
Your honor I was born ready.
The
judge rolls his eyes, as do most of the audience members.
Prosecutor:
I would like to call my first witness, the great, venerable, and VERY
knowledgable, Dean Evans, Jr.
The
audience starts cheering wildly. Soon it's apparent they are only cheering
because two of the frat guys got into a brawl. They begin to boo as the
bailiff kicks them out of the courtroom. After swearing in, Dean sits
down.
Prosecutor:
Now Dean, why don't you give the jury your honest thoughts about Dave
Cain.
Dean
Evans: First off let me say that Dave is WAY more powerful. All
I need to do is point to the 2002 All-Star Weekend, more specifically
the Celebrity Homerun Derby.
Defense:
Objection, your honor! That Derby was a farce, was fixed, and should not
be spoken of anymore during this trial.
Judge:
Denied.
Prosecutor:
Thank you, your honor. Now Dean, what exactly did you see, and be as graphic
as possible.
Dean
Evans: I saw a lot of things...telling you all of them would
take forever. The sun, grass, concrete--
Prosecutor:
I'm talking about the Homerun Derby, idiot.
Dean
Evans: Oh...that opened some eyes, man. I've never seen anything
like that. Basically Dave built the league back up. He showed everyone
there something they could never do.
Prosecutor:
And what is that?
Dean
Evans: He fuckin' hit the roof like 8 times!
Prosecutor:
So what does that tell you, as the most informed member of the league?
Dean:
It means Scott's now #2 in this league...there's a new sheriff in town.
Prosecutor:
Thank you Dean, I have no further questions.
As
he goes to sit down, the prosecuter does a crotch chop at the defense
and mouths "suck it." The defense attorney gets up to question.
Defense:
Mr. Evans, we all know you're in no position to be a judge of power, but
answer this. You're basing your whole opinion on one day? One set of ABs?
With batting practice pitching?
Dean
Evans: Yeah, pretty much.
Defense:
Dean, answer this question as honestly as possible. Who would you rather
see at the plate? Dave Cain or Scott Carmichael?
Dean
Evans: Umm, I'd rather see Scott because I've faced him more
and I know him better.
Defense:
So you're saying that maybe Dave has seen this success because no one's
faced him nearly as much as they've faced Scott?
Dean
Evans: Yeah, I guess that's a possibility, but--
Defense:
...and that once pitchers see Dave, and are able to scout Dave a bit more,
he'll come back down to earth?
Dean
Evans: Well...you never know, but--
Defense:
No further questions, your honor.
Dean
Evans (trailing off): I think it's unlikely...
Prosecutor:
I'd like to call my next witness, the most powerful hitter in the league,
Dave Cain.
The
crowds starts cheering wildly, but it's revealed that only because two
of the gorgeous young ladies in the front row turned around and started
flashing everyone.
Prosecutor:
Dave, I've got some real simple questions for you. First...who was your
teammate last season?
Dave
Cain: Darnell Uhland.
Prosecutor:
Do you know what he was hitting last season when you joined his team?
Dave
Cain: I have no idea.
Prosecutor:
Damnit, neither do we. But we DO know that it was below Darnell Uhland's
standard.
Judge:
I know what he was hitting, Mr. Carter. Darnell was hitting .239 the morning
Dave showed up for the first time to play as a Road Warrior.
Prosecutor:
Well thank you, your honor.
Judge:
I also know what Nate Stuempfig's exact stats for the gameday on August
11th, 1998.
Prosecutor:
Err...that's wonderful.
Judge:
Would you like me to impress you by citing them right now off the top
of my head?
Prosecutor:
Will it help me win this case?
Judge:
No.
Prosecutor:
Then no. Now Dave, as we just learned. Darnell was hitting .239. Not exactly
a frightening number for opposing pitchers. Which means that YOU weren't
getting much to hit, or at least you weren't getting as much to hit as
you would if your teammate was a man hitting .374, like our friend Mr.
Carmichael.
Defense:
Objection your honor, Scott Carmichael is not friends with either Mr.
Cain or his lame lawyer.
Judge:
Sustained.
Prosecutor:
Very well. I think my point is clear. Dave here did more with less. If
his teammate was doing as well as Ian was doing for Scott, who knows what
kind of numbers he would have put up? No further questions your honor.
Defense:
Talk about a sad argument. Dave, answer this question. Are we playing
with nine-man teams here?
Dave
Cain: Umm...
Dave
glances at his bench. Mr. Carter is shaking his head.
Dave
Cain: No.
Defense:
No, you're not. Maybe a couple teams in this league were fielding three
of four-man teams every now and then, but not your team, and not Scott's
team. Is your lawyer trying to tell the jury that a pitcher's going to
try and walk you in order to get to Darnell, only to have YOU come up
again immediately after, this time with a man on? That's ludicrous!
Dave
Cain: Umm...no?
Defense:
That wasn't a question. It was merely me trying to persuade the jury that
his argument had absolutely no weight at all. And I think I did. I'm done
with the questions, your honor.
Judge:
Then hurry up and call your first witness.
Defense:
Very well, Mark Montgomery, COME ON DOWN!!
Mark
slowly walks down the aisle towards the bench. He's wearing a shirt that
says "legalize it." with an accompanying picture of a marijuana
leaf. The crowd roars in agreement. Mark acknoledges them and points to
his shirt.
Defense:
Now Mark, how long did you play in this league?
Mark
Montgomery: From 1997 to 2000. About three and a half seasons.
Defense:
So you faced Scott a number of times?
Mark
Montgomery: Yeah.
Defense:
And would you say he was the most dominant player in the league?
Mark
Montgomery: Yes.
Defense:
What was it about Scott, in your own language, that makes him great?
Mark
Montgomery: He was the closest thing to perfection. You could
not make one mistake to him, or you'd have to pay. Leave one up, no doubt
it was going.
Defense:
Can you conceive anyone new to this league being as good as Scott?
Mark
Montgomery: Maybe someone could approach his level after a few
seasons, but I highly doubt anyone could already be there after only a
few games.
Defense:
No further questions, your honor.
Prosecutor:
What the hell was that? How was this "witness" even let in the
building? No offense to Mark, but he hasn't played since 2000, and he
was brought to the stand by the same guy who derided my witness for basing
his opinion on only one homerun derby?
Judge:
Can you get to the point?
Prosecutor:
I'm all over the point! I'm taking a big dump on the point! Mark, you've
never seen Dave play, right?
Mark
Montgomery: No.
Prosecutor:
Okay that immediately ruins your credibility, but let's have some fun
with it, since you're sitting here and all. You've never seen Dave, but
you did play with Scott in the 1999 Series at the Sac, didn't you?
Mark
Montgomery: Yes.
Prosecutor:
Your team was eliminated in the first-round, correct?
Mark
Montgomery: Yeah.
Prosecutor:
But don't worry, no one can fault you. After all, YOU hit .346 in the
postseason. Mr. Perfection only hit .250, including 1 for his last 15
in the last two games--both losses.
Judge:
Don't forget the five K's! Uhh!
Prosecutor:
No further questions, your honor.
Defense:
I'd like to call my final witness, the legend himself, Scott Carmichael.
The
crowd goes nuts. No one knows why, because it's clear they're never cheering
for the called witnesses at all. Very quickly the defense attorney notices
that it just turned 4:20. Mark Montgomery leads a crowd out the doors
of the courtroom.
Defense:
Scott, I only have a couple questions for you, but I am so sure that your
answers will sway the jury to your side that I will masturbate during
the whole process.
Prosecutor:
Objection, your honor! This is neither the time nor place. My God, that's
disgusting, put it away!
The
defense attorney has exposed himself.
Defense:
Put what away?
Judge:
Mr. Cobb, please just resume your business while the jury deliberates.
Defense:
Fine, jerk. But let me reiterate to the jury that I was more than willing
to spank it during the questioning because I am SO sure they will--
Judge:
Right right, just get on with it.
Defense:
Scott, how many homeruns have you hit in your career?
Scott:
I don't know...two hundred something.
Judge:
223.
Defense:
Thank you. Have you hit one off every pitcher in this league who's faced
you?
Scott:
Yes...I've hit numerous homeruns off every pitcher I've ever faced. Numerous,
as in...at least four or so.
Defense:
Hitting homeruns is pretty routine for you. How many times have you lead
the league in homeruns?
Scott:
Every season but the first one. In 1995 I did for the first time...so...eight
seasons in a row now.
Defense:
So you're telling me that you led the league in homeruns last season?
Scott:
Yes, and last year was horrible for me.
Defense:
You've also got the record for homeruns in a season, slugging percentage
in a season, RBI's in a season, batter rating.
Scott:
Yeah, probably.
Defense:
Last question. Are you worried about Dave passing you as a power threat?
Scott:
Hell no, Dave's a little punk.
Defense:
No further questions your honor.
Prosecutor:
Scott, let me know if this number rings a bell: 3.
Scott:
Wait, don't tell me. It's...how many homeruns Dave will hit in 2003?
Prosecutor:
Close, but you're WAY off. It's the number of guys who hit homeruns at
a better pace than you did last season. Joey Holt, Anthony Sanzone, and
this other guy...what's his name? OH YEAH, DAVE CAIN! So what we're looking
at here, when we cast our eye on Scott, is the most powerful man in the
league...TO STICK AROUND! All this league needs is the right guy to play
a full season. Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to Dave Cain,
the right guy for the job. No further questions, your honor.
Judge
(awakens): Huh? Oh, right. Look, while you're standing there,
why don't you just start your closing argument. This is running a little
long.
Prosecutor:
As you wish. Members of the jury, we have heard from two parties, one
reasoning and intelligent, the other is the defense. This goes so much
further than one single homerun derby, or a few homeruns in not many ABs
during the end of the 2002 season. This is about a man who brought the
league back on its feet. The league was dying under Scott's reign, and
thank god the reign is over. Dave Cain is the new king, the new sheriff,
the new whatever. Season 10 will be his calling. He will show you. If
you decide in his favor, he will prove you right. Scott Carmichael is
guilty of holding onto the limelight for far too long, despite having
completely lost his title.
One
of the jury members makes the "wrap it up" motion.
Prosecutor:
Uhh...so in conclusion, Dave powerful, Scott little girl!
Defense:
Members of the jury--
Prosecutor:
What the hell man, you took your pants off?!
Defense:
As I was saying, members of the jury, I am so convinced of my client's
innocence that I will conduct my closing argument completely nude. When
you think of Scott, you think of many things. Talented, defiant, unbeatable,
perfect, unhittable, uhh...good hitter...yeah. And some other stuff. But
he's so much more than that. He is the most powerful man in this league,
and to vote for Dave Cain, a man with only 50 ABs to his name, is like
saying Lebron James is a better player than MJ himself. Maybe after a
number of seasons, but definitely not this early. If Scott is guilty of
anything, it's being the best for too long. If that's too hard for some
people too deal with, then tough cookies. Don't be retarded and go with
Dave. Be...not retarded, and go with Scott Carmichael.
A
jury member asks if Mr. Cobb will put his clothes back on if he promises
to vote for Scott.
Defense:
Most of the time I stand by my convictions and decisions, but in this
case, yes!
Judge:
Mr. Carter do you have a rebuttal?
Prosecutor:
To what, that unintelligible closing argument? No, he already did more
than enough damage.
Judge:
Next time you end your sentence with "your honor," son!
Prosecutor:
You're not my dad!
The
audience "whoooos" in anticipation of what looks to be a developing
cat fight.
Judge:
Oh I'm not your dad, huh? Well, then that's good...I wouldn't want to
be the dad of someone like you!
Prosecutor:
Bring it, Mr. Not-my-dad!
The
bailiff steps between them and addresses the jury.
Bailiff:
Look, while these two scrap it out, YOU deliberate and make your decision.
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