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Scatch Maroo, Volume I
The name’s Scatch Maroo, and I’ve been invited to make
a few comments on the Wiffle Ball 2000 site and its players. You’re all
in for some laughs, and a few of you might break down and cry. Because
this is all fun, trying to insult me in the guest book (which is quite
a joke, from what I read so far) is just an easier way for me to exploit
your faults and humiliate you further. Let’s get started.
The site design is very nice; the layout, the info, and
the accessibility. But what really caught my eye were two things: the
retard that’s always wearing the bike helmet, Eric
Christensen. At first, I wasn’t sure why he was wearing it, but after
looking at his facial expressions I’m positive: he was a crack baby. What
else got my attention was Amber Neves (hehehe; not yet, Joe) sitting with
our retarded friend and I wondered…then after hearing the audio clip,
I knew why. Women dig retards! You see, a retard can’t tell when some
broad’s taking his money, using him for a car, or just whoring around
ya see.
After looking at the caption that appeared under the
picture of Eric and Amber, I’m not sure if ‘Flame’ is the right synonym
you want to use to describe a female…unless your describing Nate
Stuempfig. Now I’d like to know why Seth
Yoder(Amber's boyfriend) hasn’t given our friend Mr. Retard a jolly
ol’ ass kicking yet. I understand retards are often much stronger, but
kick him out of his wheel chair or something, man! I’m sure the people
of the neighborhood would love to see an old-fashioned handicap beating.
Seriously now…what’s going on Seth? Amber and Eric are taunting you, and
I’d like to know if you’ve done your duty as an American by getting into
a violent, drunken rage with a rifle. Seth, didn’t you hear those interviews?
Amber’s talking about taking off her top! Dear God man, you have to act!
Even if you feel like tossin’ the broad to the side, you still have to
hand Eric his mentally challenged ass. C’mon Seth, whoop his ass! All
you need is one man on that jury, and you’ll be acquitted in no time.
We all know what that one man would be thinking: “That bitch needed a
beating more then Madonna’s children!" On that side of humor, here’s a
joke…what’s better then winning the gold medal in the Special Olympics?
Answer: Not being retarded.
Another member of your glorious sport that caught my
eye was Jeff
Morrison. That guy’s arms are no thicker than Bob Hope’s ear hair!
But frankly, I don’t like the smug look he’s got in his profile. You know
who Jeff Morrison reminds me of? Al Roker, that smug bastard. Jeff Morrison
can take his weather forecasts and do something unpleasant with them.
I think I’ll take it upon myself to him with a car. While I’m at it, I
might take a swerve at that punk-ass Eric…hopefully he’ll be out of his
chair, ‘cause I’d hate to scratch the Goat (that’s a Pontiac GTO to you
illiterate car people). We all have make sacrifices.
Now I’d like to know...who’s got the balls to fuck with
Terry Creighton?
Paint this guy green, and you’ve got the jolly green giant on meth. Nothing
is more exciting then running from a crack-addict as he attempts to beat
the ‘demons’ out of you…just look at those dilated eyes! Of course that
could be from shade, but for the purposes of this article he’s on opium.
That man’s the size of a redwood; I just hope he runs like one too. If
I were him I wouldn’t bother with the rules; I’d just toss everyone about
‘til they gave me a point. Who’s going to tell him he can’t play anymore?
Maybe a tank, but definitely not that pedophile Mickey Kendall.
Looking at Mickey
Kendall’s headshot makes me shudder. The dark sunglasses, the hat,
and the goatee shows what a sick bastard he is. I hope his two-bedroom
apartment isn’t near a school (or any other public access road for that
matter). Would you trust your kid around this guy? Maybe in a court of
law, and your kid was taking the witness stand. Please folks, he may pose
as a clown to get near your children; kick his ass for it! Child molestation
at a young age can lead to serious mental repercussions. The most common
repercussions involve promiscuousness (extreme whoring) or complete sexual
withdrawal altogether. Referring to the first portion of that last sentence
I'd like to ask Amber:
Did Mickey ‘touch’ you?
I’d just like to say one thing, about Clint
Wattenberg: Janet Reno vs. Clint Wattenberg...now taking bets.
Now to the craziest critter of ‘em all, Rat Man and his seven brain cells!
In case you forgot, Rat Man is the infamous (and often homosexual) James
Vassar. Please folks, take a good look at this guy. Does he, or does
he not look like a rat? You know he does. What I’d like to know is how
well he knows the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I lost a football down
the drain-gutter a few weeks ago, and I’d really like it back.. I’ve heard
Rat Man is one with the ladies, but after a bit of research (humorous
assumption), I’ve come to the conclusion that he dates whores. The man
is nineteen years old, but he’s beating it with middle school students…maybe
he’ll discover a part of the female anatomy called ‘breasts’. Although
I understand, during forced intercourse it can be difficult to remove
all of the clothing before the police arrive. Rat Man, I’ve thought up
a motto for ya:
“Eighth grade, eight years, what’s the difference?"
You’ve got a temper, ‘eh Rat Man? I think the rest of
your friends are mistaking your anger for good ol’ rabies. Folks, spray
him down with the hose and watch his reaction. If he seizures, you know
you’ll have to put him down. Now before you go spouting off your mouth
Rat Man, remember two things: 1) I want my football; go talk to those
bitch-ass turtles 2) I’ve read a lot of your posts on the guest book,
and you’re quite the sad, little man. And for all of those intimidated
by this diseased rodent, remember my own motto:
"I may be the bitch with the bat, but you’re the bitch
on the ground."
Play ball!
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