1. First things first: We always figured you were missing games because you were injured, but be honest--how many times did you claim "injury" when it was really the girlfriend?
I'd say 50-60% of my missed time was due to the girlfriend. She was Mormon and, without starting a holy war or something, Mormons suck. The rest of the time I thought my arm was going to fall off. In hindsight that might've been better than going out there and throwing what was known as "BP."
2. And if this girlfriend kept you from participating in the "greatest wiffleball league in the history of mankind," then what does that say about her? Just how powerful is/was she? She is/was gorgeous, right? I mean...she HAD to be.
You must've not seen her. If I could create an ass from scratch I would use hers as the mold. I thought she was so hot. My brain was what some would call scrambled from the whole relationship. I've recovered since.
3. Any marriage plans, ala the first two girl-crazy men we did this feature on?
None. Unless you can marry Madden. Can you marry a video game? I have a girlfriend. She's nice. She treats me well. I love her. That about wraps it up.
4. How disappointed were you that you ended up being drafted by the Holy Whites in 2001? Everyone knows you wanted to be a Horsemen. Did it kill you that when Scott Carmichael finally made a trade with the Horsemen, it was Ian Byrd and not you for John Deatrick? You can be honest, Scott will never read this.
There was a team called the Horsemen? Huh...that's weird. All I remember is beating the shit out of every team in our path. Oh SNAP.
5. Who was one player in the league (from another team) that you wish you got a chance to play with (besides me of course)?
That sucks because I really would have chosen you. And I don't even want to suck your dick. I hated playing you. You owned me. I know Greg is your dad, but that makes him my grandpa because you're my dad out there. After awhile it was a mental block. I KNEW I wasn't going to get you out or hit the ball off of you.
Besides you, I'd take Casey. Could you imagine Scott, Casey, Nate and I on a team together? I think I just came.
6. Looking at your 2000, 2002, and 2003 numbers...what the hell is going on with those 2001 numbers? Are you Brady Anderson...or was Stuempfig just hooking you up with the good stuff that year?
I think I'm pretty good. Not as good as in '01, but not as bad as the rest. Tu sabes? Plus, once you guys started testing for PED I was pretty much screwed.
7. What the hell should MLB do with Rafael Palmeiro? What the hell should Rafael Palmeiro's wife do with Rafael Palmeiro? Isn't Rafael Palmeiro a tough name to type?
He's a dickface...with a bad mustache. If you're going to do 'roids, don't act like a jackass and lie at a congressional hearing. At least apologize for nothing like Giambi. Without jumping on a soapbox here, why are athletes so stupid? If you take steroids and you know you're going to be tested, stop taking them, buy the whizzinator, fake an injury, but don't get up there and lie. I can't imagine the pressure and the proposition of being in Triple A trying to get to the show. Those are the guys I can sympathize with being tempted. All the rest have no excuse. No offense Nate. Wait, Nate's in med school. There's NO WAY he's reading this shit.
8. What's in the CD Player right now?
I have my iPod hooked up to my car. I think I was last listening to Kanye West. Then I was watching Anchorman. That's because I have a DVD player in my dashboard. The lesson, as always...I'm an idiot.
9. Did you ever rent the Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen PS2 game again and try to tackle that infuriating "Main Event"?
I've tried to block that out of my memory. I almost stopped playing video games because of you and your jack-assery.
10. Why can't Mary-Kate win the battle against anorexia?????
Why are we still talking about this? OK, since we are...they really went downhill after the video game huh? I mean anorexia and dating tools will do that to you.
11. Did you ever show Rickey Henderson our Men of Wiffleball 2002 calendar, and what did he think? Did he enjoy whatever month I was?
Who wouldn't love your sweater vest chest hair? Rickey was something else huh? I mean who tells a bat boy to suck their dick? Even if the bat boy is really hot I think it's a little forward and inappropriate. Buy the kid a churro first.
12. Biggie, 2Pac, or Mobb Deep? And why?
This is the hardest question in the history of the universe. I thought about comparing each to a famous hot girl, to countries, everything. The bottom line is this, 2Pac is the deepest. Good beats, lots of staying power. His last 37 Machivelli albums made me want to light myself on fire though. Too much, just die. Frankie wanted "Dear Mama" as a warm up song for basketball though. So maybe Pac has us hypnotized. Speaking of which...Biggie is the most fun. Catchy hooks, good rhymes, kept each album original. Best to dance to out of the three. Mobb Deep inspired my original wiffleball profile pic. Most thuggish. Thick beats, good mood music for getting fired up. But in the end you could pick their top songs and probably come out with just one solid album, unlike the other two who had great albums as they were. who's the best? Gotta go with 2Pac overall.
13. At what point during our 44-0 throttling of the KGJWFBL during the 2001 All-Star Weekend did you stop having fun and start kinda feeling bad for them? Wasn't it kinda like beating a crippled kid in the 100m dash?
The whole thing was kind of that uncomfortable giggling deal. I felt bad for them. But we had to establish dominance.
14. Who was your favorite player to play against during your 4-year career?
Yoder. Consumate trash talker, nothing electric about him, but a fierce competitor. We gave it to each other too. Sometimes bombs, sometimes K's. Good times.
15. How many times have you read Jose Canseco's roid book cover to cover, and how many copies of his follow-up book will you be picking up upon release?
I simultaneously hate him and repsect him. I mean have you seen the Surreal Life? Uh, yeah...me neither.
16. If the league returned in 2006, would you be a part of it? If so, give us your projected final numbers. If not...why the hell not??
I'd be there. Numbers? Avg: 300, HRs: 30-35, ERA: 4.00-4.25, something like that. Plus I'd be at every game day, which might make my HRs and ERA go up.
17. Time's almost up, so let's get serious: Who was your least favorite person in the league from 2000-2003? Don't worry...whoever you name will never read this.
Is it unoriginal to say James (Vassar)? I mean who liked playing against him? Or even being at the same field as him? He would completely degrade the lesser players and ruin any fun that anyone was having. That highlight of him swinging the ball on the ground during that retrospective video made me strain some obliques from laughing so hard. The funny thing is, when I'd see James around town he'd be norm-, well OK not normal. But what is normal really?
18. What's the fondest single memory you have while playing in our league?
4-25 other guys with absolutely nothing better to do, just like me. Competition, obsession with stats, bells and whistles on the website. What's not to love? All you guys were/are great. It's too bad we have to get old and get "real" jobs.
