The following is what's been going on with Nate Stuempfig since the end of his career in 2001,
in his own words.
"Man, I can't believe it's been 4 years since I last circled the bases at "The Sac" or felt
the throbbing pain in my right arm after pitching 5 innings in a day. The times they have a
changed, and the years have been good but every now and then I let the nostalgia kick in and
long for a really nasty sunburn while tossing the old Cosom Fun Ball around. It's good to see
the dream is still alive and well, at least on the Internet.
"Since packing my bags and heading south in 2001 I've been busy trying to make a name for
myself in San Diego, the land of fake tits and real assholes. I graduated UCSD in 2002 and
got a job in a lab with the intention of creating designer steroids suitable for the general
population. Unfortunately I stumbled into a situation in which the FDA and DEA have a lot of
authority over what kind of research gets done so I was relegated to studying the effects of
cocaine on rats. If you've never seen a rat get high on coke for the first time, I highly
recommend you do. Despite the entertainment value of my job, I've actually managed to do some
serious work and have even published a couple of articles relating to the neurochemistry of
cocaine abuse. If anybody happens to stumble across next month's issue of Pharmacology,
Biochemistry, and Behavior, you can check out my latest article. I'm sure you'll find it
invigorating.
"Lab work has been alright but I have decided that it's not good for my mental stability,
which was questionable before I began breathing toxic fumes all day in a poorly ventilated
bunker called The Scripps Research Institute, so I decided to take the plunge and apply to
med school. I have four interviews scheduled and as long as I can control my 'roid rages for
a few hours, I should be able to land a spot for the graduating class of 2010. I don't
really know what area I want to go into but I was thinking of pediatrics or sports medicine,
any field that allows me to prescribe anabolic steroids, preferably to kids. Speaking of
kids, I've been coaching a youth traveling baseball team for the last year where I attempt
to create the ultimate environment suitable for maturing into a great ball player. This
includes yelling, screaming, and throwing bean balls during batting practice followed by a
quick insult if any of the kids start crying from the welts I have left on them. I have
really enjoyed being a positive role model in the lives of America's youth.
"As for the ladies...nothing serious at the moment. I've had a long run of crazy girlfriends
and random hookups but they all just interfered with my workout routines. Women tend to get a
little upset when it's their SUV that you're military pressing. They love it when it's someone
else's though.
"That's about it for me. Keeping busy, still 'roidin. Much love to Wiffleball2k and all that
it stands for. Hope to see everybody in the near future."
--Nate Stuempfig
Most Improved 1998
